i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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