I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
