omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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