he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
