I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
