I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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