you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize