My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
