Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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