so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize