Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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