Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
