My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
