Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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