Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
