Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
