i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
