Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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