The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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