Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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