just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just want nice things and good sex
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
