Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
