i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
