I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
