I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
