yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
