you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
