nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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