i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
