next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just had sex on a roof
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
