; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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