On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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