i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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