This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
