Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
