Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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