Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
