Grow some girl-balls and come out already
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
