You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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