i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
