Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
