My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
