I wish life had little blips of pornography
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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