Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
