I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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