Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
