Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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