I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
