I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize