I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
