I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize