Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
