if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
