you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
