I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
