I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
